How It Started vs How It’s Going

The image on the left is from my very first photoshoot, all the way back in 2014.

I attained said photoshoot by being the only person to bid on it at a silent auction. I think I paid $25.

We took the photos inside the poorly-lit studio I was training my few clients out of at the time; I didn’t think to stand in front of the window or clean up the equipment that was lying around on the ground (peep the barbell plates on the floor behind me). I didn’t know what I was supposed to do in front of the camera, let alone what the space was supposed to look like.

(Also, can we just talk about the weird shadows for a second? The only editing that was done was to add shadows behind me; in some photos, they were placed in spots that wouldn’t even make sense. But I digress.)

But what stands out most to me when I look at these two photos is not the quality of photography or the background (I wish you could see the majestic mountains and ocean behind me in the photo on the right).

The biggest difference is the girl looking back at me.

That girl on the left? She was on her way, but was still incredibly uncomfortable being herself. She still didn’t even really know herself.

She was caught up in what she thought a personal trainer was supposed to look like, what she thought she was supposed to be like, what she thought would make people like her.

The woman on the right? I’d be lying if I said she didn’t give a fuck about what people thought. There are fucks given about making people feel welcome in her space, about respecting others’ feelings while respecting her own boundaries. But fucks about what people think of her? Those are becoming fewer and farer between.

In the image on the right, I see a woman who’s closer to living from her fullest expression of Self than she ever has before. There are still stories to unpack, layers to shed, but really…isn’t that a never-ending process?

When I had that most recent photoshoot this past summer, I was taken aback when the photographer commented on how comfortable in my body and in front of the camera I was.

“Me? Comfortable in my body? In front of a camera?! But…aren’t I like, super awkward?”

It was a pivotal moment—an opportunity to realize the story I was still telling myself about how I was kind of shy, how I was kind of awkward, how I didn’t like my body…it really was just a story. A story that I was ready to let go of.

A lot has changed in those six years. I’m no longer a personal trainer. I no longer base my self worth on how well my business is doing, how much money it’s making, or how busy I am. I refuse to allow myself to fall into the trap of looking outside myself for answers and guidance.

But the biggest shift? It’s how much more at home I am within myself. How much more me I am.

And damn…does it ever feel good.